WHY CLIENTS DON’T ALWAYS FOLLOW THEIR COACH’S ADVICE.
By: Nagui Bihelek
As a coach one of the most frustrating things to deal with is a client that constantly fails to follow advice. It makes no sense when the sole reason they pay you is for your advice. This becomes even more frustrating when you know that it is the one thing holding them back from achieving their goals.
In order to understand the cause behind the behavior and ultimately change it we must first understand the context around the behavior.
What is context and why is it important?
Every situation has its own responses, and even though these behavioral responses may sometimes be similar in different contexts, there is no guarantee that the response will be the same when the circumstances change.
This is what we mean by Context. How we judge other people’s responses is based on our own set of rules. So a specific Context which causes a judgment often is the underlying cause of conflict and disagreement.
A person may behave completely differently at home, at work, at sports, and so on. Because these are significantly different environments, it is important to remember that their programmed responses could be significantly different.
The programmed responses, we run in different situations may not be the same. Not because our Values differ, but because our learned skills differ. The training associated with each stands alone.
I grew up in a corporate environment so I know how to navigate corporate politics, because I had to learn that to survive in the corporate world. These skills may be totally inappropriate in small business. And when I go home to my family I leave the politics at work. I don’t send emails to my spouse so I have a paper trail of what we discussed. I don’t document all our agreed actions in order to have this as a back up when things go wrong.
At work I work as part of a team, but in sports I prefer the personal challenge of an individual competitive sport. Does one flow into the other? Does that make me competitive at work? Maybe! But that’s a huge assumption. A leap to a conclusion that has no basis or evidence. Many people, in fact many great leaders are said to be able to equally follow someone else, or lead when they are the leader.
Rules & Responses
We all have a responsibility to manage our own guiding Rules and associated Responses, and recognize them as just that, Our Own. Unfortunately, we often impose these on others without understanding WHY someone else does what they do. Is it because of their training or their intention?
Observed behavior that is misaligned with our own Values and Beliefs leads us to falsely Judge that as Mal-Intention. Be careful – your Rules should be your Rules, unless others agree with them, then you have the beginning of a Cult-ure. Some cultures have great rules, others are questionable or in extremes life threatening.
If we could read minds, we might be able to read other people’s intentions. However, in the absence of that, all we can do is observe and seek to understand WHY. To be more correct investigates WHAT is behind the behavior.
WHY often causes people to be defensive, and the result you get is not the real one. WHAT instead builds a trust and is less threatening. People open up more to WHAT questions than WHY questions.
Your Values and Beliefs about behavior in any given situation is just that, yours. Do you really think that we all go around with the same Rules for ourselves little less Rules for others? If you’ve had teenage children than you probably know what you get when you try to impose your Rules too strictly upon them.
Judgement is the antithesis of open-mindedness.
When we take our Rules and try to impose them on others, we start to make Judgements about others when they don’t comply or behave according to our own Rules. While this may be well founded in some cases, those are generally social rules that we all agree on.
The neural behavior I have developed are there because they probably have served me well, served my Rules. My Values and Beliefs. Some of these rules I have established for myself as self-protection mechanisms that have served me well in the past, or that make me feel good because I have been rewarded for them in the past. All of these shape our responses, the observed behaviors that others see, but maybe don’t understand.
Some of us have Rules that are held with stringent unwavering commitment. While others seem to be ok with flexible Rules. Some hold those Rules so stringently that they insist that these should apply to everyone without exception. While again, others are ok with you having your Own Rules, as long as you’re Ok with them also having their Own different Rules.
Then there is an Inside versus Outside perspective. People on the Outside often observe things differently from those on the Inside of a situation. Why is that? Is it that the ones on the Outside have more clarity, or it just different set of rules? Unless we seek to understand the perspective that exists on the Inside then we are just Judging or Mind-reading.
We are often too quick to jump to problem solving through our own lens, our own rules, that we misdiagnosis and malpractice. When we prescribe without a proper diagnosis we malpractice.
When we prescribe based on our own rules we miss the whole point of what is good for us is just that – good for us. As a coach we need to prescribe what is good for the client, regardless of how different that is from our own. My Rules for me, Your Rules for you. No assumption, no prescription without understanding.
AccuMatch is provided to give you the insight to be able to quickly see in a 2D graph what exists in other people’s neural networks, in order to investigate and understand why they have built these. Before you can change them you need to understand why they have built these, because they may very well be a defense response that they need to hang on to.
Their role, and their daily situations will be different from any and each of us, and this makes it critical to keep in mind. What’s right for me, is just that, right for me. Let go of your own Rules so you can leverage AccuMatch OBJECTIVELY.
Interested in experiencing a behavior assessment first hand? Click here to learn more. The only prerequisite is that you must be a coach.
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